Big community funding update! How do you gently tell someone you're casually dating that you're also dating someone else? April 30, 4: This has come up several times in my dating life, and I've been consistently stumped as to how to respond.
I - a girl - will meet a guy. I'll start casually dating said guy by "casually", I mean: We like each other, we like the same stupid movies.
Everything is going pretty well! Now, I may also be, equally casually, seeing some other guy, and even if I'm not, I sort of feel like it's not really any of his business if I am or am not: Then the guy will, point-blank, ask me if I'm seeing other people.
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I never know how to respond to this. Part of me is irritated that he's asking I wouldn't ask, for instance but part of me, because I'm kind of lame, wants to soothe him: Do you want us to be exclusive?
OKAY, okay, calm down! Should I sidestep the issue? Should I say that it's not really any of his business? Is there a non-confrontational way to get out of this debate?
Should I tell him before he asks? No, that doesn't seem like a good plan, no matter how much esteem you might have for someone you're dating.
My advice would be to reveal this up front and very early on-- first or second date: I hope this isnt' a problem for you and that if it is, you'll let me know and we can talk about it. I do want to continue to see you. If asked and you are, say "Yeah, I am. You may or may not want to have the exclusivity talk before you sleep with them. This, IMHO, is something that should How to tell someone youre dating someone else clarified before anything starts.
Socially awkward person I am, I have no idea what you would say, but if it's not the big deal that you feel it is, I'd make sure from the outset that no one the guy reads too much into anything. Because if he know's what's going on from the beginning, he won't get mad later on. You could ask him why he is asking, and steer the conversation away from the topic from there.
You are right, though, it is none of his business. And I say this as the guy that would probably ask that dumb question.
I How to tell someone youre dating someone else thought women are more likely to ask this first than guys are. Of course, I'm a guy, and I date women, so maybe I'm not being very scientific. I've learned over time that honesty is the best policy here. If the other party is at all reasonable, they more or less expected to hear "yes" before they even asked.
It's a thorny issue, though, but sometimes I think people ask it because, on some level, they want to communicate that they're interested in moving forward, and they want to see if you are, too. My only question would be why would you not want the guy you're casually dating to know about the other guy you're casually dating?
Is it because you want guy B to think there is no guy A? On preview, why exactly isn't it his business? If I were one of those guys, it would be helpful for me to know if I'm going to need to compete for your attention. It's absolutely his business. He's most likely looking to start a conversation about What's Going On. If either person needs that conversation, then that conversation needs to happen. It doesn't have to turn into anything other than "We're having fun, seeing what happens," but check-ins are often necessary.
Just say "Yeah, I am" and leave it at that. Why does it bother you that they know? Competition always makes things fun Whenever I was asked, I'd say, "Yes. But when I've decided to be exclusive, I'm exclusive. Are you seeing anyone? I don't see the problem.
The guy asks if you're seeing other guys, you say "yes," and then he can either bring up the subject of going exclusive, or feel entitled to continue to date other girls without feeling guilty. So if he asks, just calmly respond with the truth and everything is cool. He is entitled to know whether he's in an exclusive relationship or not, and I don't think you have the right to be irritated.
If you deceive him either by lying or knowingly allowing How to tell someone youre dating someone else to have the wrong impression, then you become a bad person. I mention this last bit because I don't understand why you you want to "get out of this debate" rather than simply responding with the truth. There's no way to sidestep How to tell someone youre dating someone else. I've been the guy-victim of this sort of thing once. I went out on 5 or so dates with a girl and fell for her pretty darned quickly.
I finally worked up the nerve to kiss her but we had held hands, fallen asleep snuggled together after a late night of talking, etc etc prior to this and that's when she finally decided to tell me she's seeing other people and "can't be tied down" Not cool at all. I would like to clarify these two points: I have never even been tempted to cheat on someone I was exclusive with, but Some Guy I'm Dating wanting to know who else I hang out with feels, to me, similar to a girlfriend going "Oh, you can't go to the movies Tuesday?
Who are you hanging out with?!? This was not a case of me - clearly kind of a hussy for daring to go to the movies with two dudes in one week! Thanks for the advice to be frank, and to bring it up early on.
I would tend to assume nothing until we've had a conversation about exclusivity, but this is, I now realize, not something I should assume about other people. I assume that everyone involved could be seeing other people unless otherwise stated, but once someone asks the right thing to do is to be honest, and not with the sort of technical truthtelling where you sidestep the question and distract the person from it either.
I don't think it's his business if he isn't yet my boyfriend. Asking such a question may be his way of trying to establish if he is your boyfriend. If that's the case, and you don't want to answer, then you obviously want something different, and you're doing both of you a favor by answering honestly, even if that results in the end of the relationship.
Maybe he just wants to see where he stands? Don't sidestep it, be honest. Though if you are bothered by the question, why don't you tell him that the question bothers you and explain why it bothers you. Or if this is all too much, you can always run away screaming and waving your arms: Don't be irritated, let him know gently that you're seeing other people, and if he freaks out and runs away, you don't want to be dating him anyway.
If it were me, I'd think to myself "OK, I'll be patient and let her find out what I'm like, and hopefully she'll wind up wanting to date me exclusively. He's asking because he wants to know where he stands. You may see this as just a way to spend some time, but he may be thinking this could go somewhere or be more interesting. If you're not looking for that, that is completely fine, but it's not out of line for him to bring it up at some point.
If the relationship were going to go somewhere, how would he be expected to know? It's not his business to tell you what to do, but it's certainly his business to ask you what's up and where he stands in it all.
If you're happy keeping things casual, just make that clear. Some people may also ask this question before getting physical. The reason I find this irritating is because the fellows who have asked me this have been sort of overwrought about it sort of like some of these answers.
It's not them, it's you. Consciously or not, you are leading them on.